THE DOOR IN THE WALL

 Doors in walls?

The other day I was in the little chapel along my road (and up a steep hill!) and was blessed by this sight of stained glass reflections creating a magical doorway in the stone wall beside the altar.

(By the way, I'm not very religious, but I do love beautiful spaces and places where your spirit can kind of expand - usually out in nature...)

It seemed to be telling me something and I got to thinking we can feel so walled in by circumstances in both our outer or inner lives.

I've been in a few situations where I felt excruciatingly walled in.  Like when I was in a christian community.  After the first few golden years I began to have deep misgivings about certain aspects of it.  I had made a lifelong 'covenant' to the church, and was told that to leave would mean certain judgement from God, 'backlsiding' from my faith, loss of protection and blessing and basically the road to hell!  I had loved the vision of this group of people and had friendships within it that had been forged through the many ups and downs of living together and sharing a radical lifestyle with them.  I didn't want to ever lose my faith or become estranged from my God.  But as time went by I knew I could no longer live consenting to things that I knew weren't right.

When I left I lost many friendships, had the judgement of the spiritual leaders rained upon my head, gained a reputation for being a 'Jezebel' (!!) and had a minor breakdown.  But through it all, I never doubted that I had done the right thing and felt that the One in whom I trusted was always by my side.

I smashed the wall that time.

Many years later, this scenario was repeated (long story), but this time I was married and had 2 children and so the decision was complicated by needing to honour the needs and wishes of those closest to me. The conflict of living against my conscience and understanding of how 'church' should be was immense.  This time there were also other painful complications which arose from sharing home and life with men and women from different backgrounds, and I lived in constant emotional and spiritual turmoil. It nearly destroyed me but I couldn't leave on my own without breaking my marriage, or take my children away from something they, at the time and in their own spheres, had found very fulfilling.  So I stayed within the walls.

Until there was a 'final straw'.

That time the wall had been taken down in stages, with a final whack with a mallet at the end and I walked out into freedom again.

Our minds can also become our prison.  For me, my problem was that I was chronically unassertive.  This was partly due to a few things - my natural character, having been sexually abused at 14 and unable to find my voice, being in christian circles where women were meant to be submissive and quiet, having a husband with a strong personality...I had allowed myself to be controlled and I was afraid to express myself, confront people or place boundaries around me, nor expect to be respected or listened to...  

Until the day I did.

That was the day the phoenix rose from the ashes.

I guess I just reached tipping point. Breaking down those inner walls has given me a freedom to be myself that I've never known before.  Of course, I'm still on a journey of discovery!

So - I wanted you to know, if perhaps you feel enclosed in a situation or mindset you can't get out of, that there will be a way through, even if you can't find even a crack in the mortar at this present time.   It may be a case of brick by brick or smashing through or a ladder to climb over it - the time will come.

There is a door in the wall.