DENYING SELF - NOT SELFHOOD

 

A few days ago I had a bit of a revelation - one that I think I've had before, but this time it went a bit deeper....

It was about the denial of self.  If you're christian, you will know well the scripture where Jesus says 'Deny yourself and follow Me'.

Being someone who wanted to be all out for God and become closer to Jesus in my life and ways, I tried to put this into practice for many years.

I also lived in a christian community for nearly 20 years where there was much teaching on holiness and self-denial.  But it was mixed with a cultural practice that subjugated women and elevated men, the church and 'building the kingdom' above all else.  Everything in life bowed the knee to maintaining 'the brotherhood', which had slowly devolved into a controlling, empire building, cult-leader-led church.

Within that setting, I learned to deny everything that was uniquely me, anything that didn't fit into the paradigm I was in, all opinions, most self expression (unless part of a controlled sort of event), never to assert my feelings and concerns about the church/community, let alone go against a male leader. In short, I learnt to deny and suppress my selfhood. 

I've been unlearning this.  Unfortunately, I took this mindset into my marriage, resulting in a very unassertive and unequal relationship.  Only at the end of it did I begin to rise up, celebrate my selfhood and boundaries and take back control of who I am.

I've been discovering how our uniqueness is absolutely what God wants to see the full expression of.  After all, He created each one of us with great love and care, never to be repeated!  We are fearfully and wonderfully made, both inside and out.  

Only when we are fully being ourselves can we fully love - whether man or God.  I'm finding that it's a lifelong journey to become our true selves....

I had a good chat with Jesus about all this - so what did He mean when He said 'deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me'?

I think the best way I can express His answer is that He was referring to choices.  Our choices and our free will are paramount to him. He has never wanted robotic obedience, only genuine love and commitment to Him - how could he be satisfied with less?