INTIMACY

 

I think that the longing for intimacy is embedded in us. Along with the search for a 'kindred spirit'.

That yearning to be deeply connected to someone, to be really known, to able to share the thoughts and feelings that could make you vulnerable.  To not have to say what you're feeling because the other one knows.  To laugh at private jokes and have a  shared history of lives intertwined. To be totally received and unjudged, no matter what state you're in. To be wholly united to someone physically is only a part of it - its the 'oneness' that makes sexual intimacy meaningful.

To find such a depth of relationship in one person is indeed a great gift.

For me, I've found it kind of  'spread around', in that I've had deep connections on different levels with different people and I treasure the people in my life that I still have such closeness. Together these relationships give me some of the feelings described above.

But I'm finding that 6 years after my divorce, and probably at times during the marriage as well, part of me is still searching for my 'kindred spirit'.  Especially when I've had a few days of aloneness or lack of real connection with anyone.  In fact, it can feel quite gut wrenching at times!

Have you ever watched 'Anne with an E" - the incredibly well filmed and acted series of the book Anne of Green Gables? Or read the book? If you don't know the story, Anne was orphaned as a baby and was abused in children's homes, then treated as a slave in fostering family's over her 13 years.  Until one day she was adopted by Matthew and  Marilla Cuthbert and went to live on their farm in Avonlea.

Anne was always searching for her kindred spirit;  her need to belong was so deep and painful, she dreamt and imagined herself into into situations where she was loved and wanted nearly all the time.  Her fantasy life was adorable, intricate but rather sad.  Until gradually, over a long period of time with many ups and downs, her dreams were fulfilled.  And there was no longer the need to imagine...What beautiful escapist fiction to read or watch!

To get to my point. I was talking to God about the pain I feel over this whole thing - it has recently become a bit more acute for various reasons. And I felt I heard Him say 'Am I not the One Who knows you that intimately? Before a word is on your tongue I know it!  I've shared with you your whole life and history, I remember every day of your life - I've been with you every step of the way.  No-one loves you like I do, no-one knows you like I do.'

Or a communication to that effect...

But is it OK to call God my 'Kindred Spirit"?  Do I want to? Because so much of me still wants to find it in a human being! Have I got to let that human desire go? I don't know... I remember reading a book called "I dared to called Him Father", written by Bilquis Sheikh (in fact I once met the author!) Calling God Father was unheard of in the religion of Islam from which she was converted and a scary thing to do for her.  I feel a bit the same about calling God my Kindred Spirit - and yet I know that He already is this to me.  Among many other  things.

I've got a sneaky feeling that actually God - Father , Son and Holy Spirit - also yearns to have that intimacy and kindred-spiritness with us.  And perhaps it causes Him much pain when we are so cold or distant or uncommunicative.  We're made in His image, so that's how come we have yearnings and desires that are like His own.

That is a thought I need to dwell on.