MEET MRS HEAVYWEATHER

 Diary entry 19.8.22...

Felt like I was being told 'You can make heavy weather of situations, or you can look for the rays of sunshine - it's up to you.'


(So this post are for people who, like me, internalise pain and carry it deep inside, finding hard to just have a good cry and let it all out.  Not for those blessed with a positive, glass half full attitude already - you are where I'm seeking to get to!)


Suddenly I realised that I've been Mrs Heavyweather for most of my life.  My natural reaction to difficult situations for years has been to be overcome with deep, heavy, 'end of the world' type emotions.


True, I've been through some stuff - the breakdown of my 28 year marriage for instance, which was agony at the time, and I've only now come to terms with it.  Being committed to a christian community with heartfelt loyalty for many years, then finding out about the sexual, financial and power manipulation that had been going on in the background as one revelation after another came out.  Realising that I'd allowed myself to be controlled for nearly most of my life, including whilst I was in that community.  Being sexually abused when I was 14. Losing my parents (my mum just a few months before I got married, my father when I was aged 11) all grandparents, all uncles and aunts, 2 boyfriends, my half sister, my darling sister Rosi, all by the time I was 45 - and a lot of friends before and since then...I used to think I was an expert in grief if there can be such a thing but of course there isn't.


However, at this point in my life I'm beginning to see that looking for the sunshine in situations is a choice.  I don't have to be swept away with negative emotion;  I can try to reduce the trauma by not leaning into the pain, but seeking to find something positive in it, no matter how small - and at least not drown!  Also by letting the pain out. In spite of all the stuff I've been through, I hardly ever cry, not sure what to do about that, I'll let you know...





I know what you're thinking -  'Famous last words!'  But I believe that, incrementally,  I'm changing from Mrs Heavyweather to Mrs Merryweather and I hope that, if you're like me you'll find the some encouragement in these words.

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